Tuesday, February 22, 2011 @ the day you unfriend me
Bad omen of the day,i woke up at 3am,shocked by a nightmare,then i couldnt go back to sleep,no matter how hard i tried.It those situations that i would hate the most,cause my mind would be so alert,making it impossible for me to close my eyes,my mind kept coming out with all the disturbing images of you with him,in many most intimate ways,the worse i could imagined.No matter how hardi tried i couldn't it of my mind,and let it haunts me,torture me,looking at time slowly past,it was just pure hell.
Jealousy got the best of me,and i was restless and annoyed that the fact that i can't sleep,and my mind just wouldn't shut down.I wished i had sleeping pills,but i don't,i normally have no trouble sleeping,but tonight was just horrible,i guessed maybe i needed to talk to you till im really sleepy to be able to sleep well,i was too used to chatting with you till i blackout.Having you slept earlier than me,just wasn't something im used to.So i took my handphone,put on my ear piece,listen to some pop music,see any1 of them can distract me or at least put me to sleep.
I kept changing songs,till i heard,dont hold your breathe by nicole,it was sooo good,that i put repeat,and kept going,i felt good listening to it,cos the lyrics was bout being strong in love,and the beat was so addictive.After about 30mins later,i fall back to sleep without my notice.
The next day,started out with my mum yelling for me to get ready,cos we're going somewhere in the neighbourhood,to have breakfast.I had a really nice breakfast of chinese dim sum,with my sis and mum.Came home to realise you texted me 4times,and missed called me,and you were so mad i didn't bought my phone with me.That was another bad omen,i was guessing we would have a fight soon.And so you were okay on msn,we were chatting along,and you start to says im not giving you my full attentions,i was too distracted by my FB updates,you said talking to me was boring,i felt like a dagger stabbed into my heart.
And sometimes i couldn't help myself by saying things to provoke you,guess i just wanted your attention so badly,i spilled out tons of rubbish crap talking to made you so fired up.Then you were so angry,you asked me to leave you alone,i felt like a jerk,and i was so afraid to lose you,that i just couldnt let you be alone.Irritated by my non stop texting and phone calls,you got even more angry and unfriend me on FB and your deleted our photos,thats hurts like hell.Nothing in the world felt harsher than this,you actually says im a stranger to you now,and we could not even be friends becos im such jerk.I could just die,that you just deleted everything,and i was blocked out by your profile,it felt like salt on my fresh cut wounds,its that kind of pain,that could made me cry like a baby.
I should've gaven you the time for you to cool,i should have just listen,but i didn't want things to be left this way,i couldn't stand being in a fight and cold war with you.I couldn't stand you hating me,i can't control to try to hurry the pace for us to make up,im sorry,i didn't meant for things to turn out this way,i love you so much.
Im glad after a hour of watching how i met your mother show on internet,i texted u again,and you were okay,start talking to me.I understand fights are bound to happen in every relationship,and i think it reminds me of how it would feel,if i haven't got you,after every conflict we had,i get a glimpse of how life would be,if i ain't got you,and i dont like it at all,i wanna be with you forver,im so glad we can talk,and listens to each other,cos there's really nothing to hide,and i can never lie to you.
It actually felt like im courting you all over again,i think the fights we had just made us alittle bit closer each time,and we got to talk out whats bothering us,and im glad we can work things out each time together.Oh darling,i don't wanna fight,i don't care who's winning,it only matters that you are happy,and we've got each other,i hope we'll never fight again,i just wanna cuddle.
P.S you changed my life,completely made me a better person,i hope i would never disappoint you.
Sunday, February 20, 2011 @ IM SO HAPPY
Im so happy that you're back baby,Im so glad we pull through.Everything went back the way its supposed to be,i get to spend time with you like everyday,i never felt more alive and satisfied,cos we're sticking together like everyday is our last.
It was amazing how we were abled to spend valentine together,just like dream come true,for whole of last year,you wasnt free on mondays,i was so devastated that this year,v'dae is on a monday.If it hasn't been for the miracle,i dont know how you were suddenly free,we would had break my lonely valentine curse,so i thought im gonna be lonely again,you showed me the magic if love,that everything is possible.
i wished im able to spend all my birthdays and v'dae with you,cos you're so special in my life,i never wanna be seperated from you again.I HATE IT SO MUCH WHEN YOU'RE GONE,it wasn't living at all,i dont know how i pull thru,only recalled it was most painful,and every smile i was able put on my face was fake,i am only able to enjoy life when you're here with me.Although you were back 2months later,instead of 3 months,i must say,it felt like 2years,thank god for the miracle,that you appeared in my shop,gave me the shock of my life,its the most romantic thing you ever done for me,for the sweetest surprise that made me jumped up and down like a kid on sugar rush,pulling everyone,to show you around like my crown jewel,to shout at all my frens,how im so excited that your back.You couldnt imagine how i felt that day,to be able to hold your hand again,you looked so beautiful,and i could felt your warmth when i held your hand,then i knew i was not dreaming,everything is real,you are really standing infront of me.
I love you so much baby,more than life,more than pride,more than money and more than myself.I hope we would never be apart ever again. :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011 @ To be happy
I wanna sleep,
i wanna cry,
and close my eyes,
to be blind,
to not see.
To be dumb,
to not know,
To be deaf,
to not hear,
to lost my senses,to not feel,
to numb myself,
to not touch whats the deepest part of my heart,
where the trigger be hidden,
so i shall not be in agony.
Ignorance is a bliss,
not to know is better than knowing everything,
i rather live in lies than to face truth,
baby,why cant you lie to me
why can't i be the ignorant 1
cos the truth only hurts,
to want someone i shouldn't have,
only what you can't have,
could stay beautiful forever.
Sunday, February 6, 2011 @ 23rd day since u been gone
Today im gonna go visit broy,we're gonna meet up at his house for games of poker,majong,and visiting of his cat,soo cute meow meow.
I really enjoyed myself at broy's place,was able to see vera and bf,jessica and broy's little brother nick,nick is so playful and great host,i felt so taken care of.After that we went to sheena's house by the van of broy's father is driving,it was so fun,my first time on a bumpy ride on a van.
After dinner at sheena's hse,we were in a rush to head down to floating stage at marina barrage,it was so crowded there,as we headed there thru circle line and alight at promenade mrt stn.Now i know how to walk to spore flyer,but im never going there again,its so boring at the flyer,we had so much fun taking photos at the CNY canival there,its was so much fun,i wished you were there,i wanted to play at the fun fair,but i dont wanna play without you,im gonna wait till your back,and we shall play together baby!!
@ 22nd day since u been gone
I selpt till 12pm,still not enough,but still have to wake up,must go visit mum's bro house.I am sooo freakin tired from the ton,but still must dragged my dead body to uncle hse for lunch.
Alot of times i was dozing off on uncle's couch.im really awkward talking to my cousins,wasnt able to open up,so i kinda just mind my own business.
This is the worse part of CNY,entertaining relatives that we only see once a year,there's really nothing to talk about,and its really weird to be at the same room with them,i rather not visit,cos im really not good at entertaining relatives,cos as usually they see me as alien and would never accept me the way i am,i dont wanna be judged,and dont wanna hear what they wanna advice me on,its just so sickening when you know they would be judgemental,and we still have to face them every year.I swear when im independent,i would never let myself be in this situtaion again,rather live my life with frens,than entertaining relatives im not even close with.
the rest of the day,i was only sleeping and watched some tv..
@ 21st day since u been gone
Today i woke up and 10+ in the morining,just on time to shower,and get ready to visit my grandma,i was really excited cos,after visiting grandma,tonight im gonna ton at my uniqlo new fren house for the 1st time.
I was surprise i was invited,and so i really prepared myself,bought snacks,and poker cards,my fave game,but couldnt find anyone to play with,till tonight.After the visiting,finally able to meet my frens and buangkok mrt,ready to head out his house.
His parents was really nice to us,and we really made alot of noise in his room,and made quite a mess too.I wasnt crazy bout the gambling,so i just watched my frens gambled all night long,i did dozed off a few times.Now the i realised my fren was a clean freak,he made sure we clean our feet before steppin into his room,and we're not allow to sit on his bed,cos he's super clean freak,LOL.We did clean up the mess we made,or else i think he'll go crazy.
We left at 5am in morning,walked to hougang mall 24hr mac to have breakfast!!BEST EVER,i got to eat hotcakes and sausuage,hahah so happy.I had a great time,and slept till 12pm the next morning.
@ 21TH day since u been gone
Today i worked 8-5pm,finally able to go home early to have my CNY reunion dinner,went home feeling so happy,but still have so many chorese to do.Was nagged by my sister like machine gun,so i swallowed my pride and finished moppin and sweeping the floor.
Finally bro and his bf back to eat with us,i had a great dinner,thought sis gonna help me clean up,cos she promised she would,instead,she left me doing everything myself,i washed everything,and mop the floor again,super tiring day for me,slept round 1am after watching lots of love movies,i currently very addicted to movies,able to relate,cos i miss you alot.i really misses u so badly you know,but i gotta make myself busy to be able to move on with my life.
Friday, February 4, 2011 @ 21 day since u been gone
Today we're supposed to start at 12,ends at 10.30,so next day we can work morning shift 8-5 to get home for CNY eve dinner,but i was late.So super sadded,cos i've been keepin a beautiful record,and that 3mins lateness due to delay of tain cost my record broken,a black mark on white table,wat a pain to the eyes.
@ 20th day since u been gone
Monday blues hits me today,cos i had to work moring shift today,till six thirty.Waking up in the morning makes me so tired,i did shitty job for task today,i made a mess and wasnt able to finish what i started,i felt so bad to let my partner finished where i left off.Im supposed to help not becoming a burden,i felt so lousy when my break was right after the task,while i said sorry to her and went for break,looked back to see she had to finish off by herself,i wish i've done better.
Wasnt happy with what i've done,i showed my emotionless face again while going to get food with frens,they were concerned,asked why my reactions to things always so dull and like i dont bother,i hate to explain,just try my best to smile and crack jokes.
I dont expect ppl to understand me,cos i dont understand myself too,i think im suffering from depression,even the smallest things can send me to anxiety and frustrations,i dont know why,but i get carried away very easily and its hard for me to pay attention to others,im always in my world without my notice,i just simply drift away,sometimes i feel like im sleep walking,dont know what im doing.
Sometimes its not that i dont want frens,i do too,but i just say things to send ppl away,i always not hearin what they said,or dint know what to reply and gave them short replies,i hate myself so badly that my social skills had dropped so much.Maybe the problem is im surrounded by many youngsters,kinda made me shy,i went back to anti-social person i was back in skool,or maybe i always starts missing you,and couldnt hear a word they say.
After work was okay,i went to get food for my folks at home,had a really nice dinner with them,i like the feeling that my effort was appreciated and they enjoyed what i got for them.Ever since my nephew been back,our family grew tighter,and im enjoying more at home,its nice to have him back,feels like our family complete again.
